Perhaps it's some strange boomerang mommy karma that gives me the opportunity to read Ayelet Waldman's socially charged and brutally honest book Bad Mother: A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor Calamities, and Occasional Moments of Grace, before it officially hits bookstores this Tuesday, May 5th. This new book grew wings from her highly controversial New York Times essay, Motherlove which met caustic disapproval of the stoic moms hellbent on the idealism of being a perfect mom.
For those of you who know me, you've seen my candid, humorous, heartfelt illumination of my being a working mother. It's messy, let me assure you. My two year old just told me to "focus Mommy." In a social networking collaboration, I am linking arms with four other dynamite mothers who share my quest to be a good mother and an acceptance that we'll will never be on the public podium of Perfect Mom. We are a bevy of bold bloggers who want to conjure a conversation with you other mothers and fathers on the subject of parenting. Here's the important mommy topic d'jour.When reading this passage from this insightful, bittingly funny book about the scrutiny of societal pressure on flawed moms like myself, I heard my voice in Ayelet's:
"I on the other hand, was supposed to be doing this good mother thing, this care-taking thing, this Gymboree and Music together and baby massage thing, but unlike my husband, filling my traditional domestic role didn't make me happy. It didn't feel like I had come into some deeper understanding of what it meant to be a woman and a mother. It just felt like I'd gone astray, that I was stuck in a hole I had dug for myself, a hole I was not supposed to want to escape. And complicating all this was the fact that I loved these children so much. "
Upending the lofty career aspirations of women like me in favor for a diaper-filled, domestic day in stay-at-home motherhood, seems shear madness. When my daughter was born and my (now ex) husband insisted that I opt to stay home, I felt up to the task after the thrill-of-the-kill highs of Sales & Marketing. I approached momness as I do everything, certain that I’d be successful. Little did I know that while I adore my children and earnestly try to be the attentive female pillar my mother was, I would fall short. Daily.
Even as a messy ponytailed youth, I wasn't ever found playing with dolls aping motherhood like my little sister. I was controlling the wind from a rock or unearthing nightcrawlers for an early morning fishing adventure with my brother. Of course, I wanted to have children and to share my life with them. But, the not at the sacrifice of all the other parts of me.
I contemplated the notion of Good Mother. Good Moms were even-tempered, child worshiping, healthy lunch bag carrying beings with a finely tuned calendar full of family planned activities, soccer games, school plays. I found myself like an actress, a Bad Mother in costume, donning the role everyone expected of me. A misfit.
Good mothers simply DO NOT let time slip away from them while working, look down and realize that they have missed picking up their kindergartner at the bus stop and would receive a call from the school transportation department who was holding a beautiful daughter hostage. Wiping away mascara, I faced the disapproving looks of school staff mothers who would have me wear a scarlet letter "M" for gross maternal negligence. They frowned at me.
Reading Ayelet's book made me open raw wounds of how I perceive myself as loving but impostor mother in relation to the really good moms out that abound. It made me commiserate with the author about the juggling that is required of working moms and gave me comfort that I am not alone in self-scrutinizing my maternal role. Bad Mother made me understand myself and forgive myself for my shortcomings. Even, laugh about them.
In an act of solidarity I've joined these the bright, brave bloggers:
Suzanne Tucker (@ZenMommy)
Morgan Siler (@modernsinglemom)
Yours truly (@fleurdeleigh)
Check out Suzanne Tucker's video on
BADMOTHER: How to Stop “Should-ing” on Yourself!@#
We are taking Badmotherhood viral by discussing this powerful book, its impact on us, and we are engaging with you about the honesty of motherhood, or in my case motherhoodlam. I plan to share my inner tug-a-war, selfishness and maternal inadequacies with you. And, here's the fun part you play. In return, please make my day by sharing your voice with us. For all you Twitter folks, join us on Twitter by including the hashtag #badmother in your tweet. Check out the live feed here .
We are going live in a no holds barred discussion the day before the book hits the shelves. The brave author/poster child for Bad Mothering, Ayelet Waldman, is joining us on Monday, May 11 th, Noon EST.
We want you to lend your voice, to pop in here and take part. We welcome an genuinely honest conversation with you. And since you tend to forget things like school lunches, don't worry. Sign up below and we'll remind you that day of our sit in chat with Ayelet. We will even send you a copy of the first chapter of Bad Mother so you can express your thoughts of this great piece of stirring writing.
Step 1: Sign up below to be emailed a free first chapter of Ayelet Waldman's Bad Mother: A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor Calamities, and Occasional Moments of Grace before it is available in print.
Step 2: Have a heart to heart with your inner mother and come discuss it with us on Twitter, in our blog comment sections, on Facebook in our Bad Mother online bookclub. We strive to give every mother, good, bad or otherwise a healthy forum.
Step 3: Plan to join us for the live chat with AYELET as her honest witty self. We will post the live stream here!!!
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